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"The Pipe Dream"

Act I

Opening Scene/Stage Set:
 One tramp standing around a barrel fire - warming his hands. He has on layered clothes and multiple hats. Winter scene complete with street signs and background mural of snow bank or winter scene perhaps a tree or two. An electric powered fire is placed into the garbage can to simulate real fire or gas powered if you’re brave enough!
(Bobby) (While warming hands) Well winter is here!
(Frank) No shit!
      (From sleeping bag up in snow bank starts climbing out, fake snow falls off sleeping bag as he sits up while in the bag.Or no snow at all needed-it's just for effect)
(CONT.) Now there’s a brilliant deduction!
 (Bobby) Deductions for taxes -not for sleeping bags!
 (Frank) You never understand what I tell you! I see you got a fire going, that’s real smart in the city limits -they’ll arrest you!
 (Bobby) Mister high a mighty that is improper English? Mama taught me better n’ you! It’s I see you have a fire going!
 (Frank) Why do you warm up your hands with your gloves on?
(Bobby) Oh Frank -it will be fine- you don’t know everything!
 (Frank) You're gonna burn your gloves then don’t come a -crawling to me for a pair a gloves!
(Bobby) I’ve done this a hundred times before! (Frank) You never want to take any of my advice!
     (He no sooner gets the words out of his mouth and the gloves start on fire)
(Bobby) Ouch -ouch -ouch!
(Frank) There see-older brothers’ don’t know anything! What did I say?
       (As he’s taking them off! He throws them on the ground and they accidentally land on Franks’ sleeping bag which startles him while he’s trying to get out of the bag! Bobby starts to stomp on them to put out the smoldering gloves for effect. He doesn’t realize he is hurting his brother as he does this- Frank is complaining!)
(Frank) Ouch-Ouch- now watch what you’re doing! Yah klutz those are my legs!
(Bobby) My only pair of gloves! (He continues to stomp away)
(Frank) You’re stomping on my only pair of legs Bobby! Will you watch yourself Bobby?
(Bobby) My poor gloves! I have to put out the fire!
(Frank) Watch what you’re doing! That’s my legs you’re kicking Bobby oow!
(Bobby) My only pair of gloves…now they’re’ ruined!
(Frank)That’s my only sleeping bag!
(Bobby) Now they’re ruined!
 (Frank) What did I say? I no sooner got the words outa my mouth and you done it! Not only that you put them out on my sleeping bag!
 (Bobby) My only pair of gloves!
     (As he is looking over his gloves, he is oblivious to his brothers’ sleeping bag being burnt)
(Frank) Two imprints of hands I see! Are you even listening to me?
     (He holds up the sleeping bag with the two imprints on it for Bobby to see)
 (Bobby) My only pair of gloves!
 (Frank) See what you’ve done to my sleeping bag?
 (Bobby) Where? I don’t see nothin’! My only pair of gloves!
     (Bobby picks up his gloves)
(Frank) That’s cuz it’s still a little dark out! You’re so worried about your gloves look at the sleeping bag!
       (Lights are brought up a little as they both look)
(Bobby) Shit, I didn’t do that! You must have bought it that way! You better take it back!
(Frank) How can I take it back with those hand prints?
 (Bobby) Well I didn’t do it!
 (Frank) Did so!
(Bobby) Liar -you’re a liar!
 (Frank) I was sitting right here when you done it!
 (Bobby) No you weren’t! You was still in the bag! Always been in the bag! Sleeping -you was sleeping!
(Frank) Mama always said you was a liar!
 (Bobby) You was in the bag!
 (Frank) I was just getting out -but I was awake and aware of your being an idiot!
      (Entrance of street people, Joe, Jeff, Steve)
 (Bobby) Shsh! Here comes some tramp friends and I don’t want them to know!
(Frank) Mum is the word!
 (Bobby) We’ll con them out of their gloves!
(Frank) Oh you idiot! (Under breath)
 (Joe) Hey bro' see you’ve got a nice warm fire going! What smells though?
(Frank) It’s those gloves that Bobby burnt in the fire!
     (Bobby gets into his face) 
(Bobby) I told you not to bring it up! Say nothin’ mum is the word -I said!
(Frank) Only an idiot warms up his hands with his gloves on-serves you right!
(Joe) What a moron!
      (Takes off his gloves and starts to warm his hands)
(Jeff) Say here’s one! That’s all I got! It’s something!
     (Bobby looks down- then glares at his brother Frank)
(Frank) Better take it- fire is dying out! Moron!
      (Bobby picks it up and throws the lone glove at his brother)  
(Bobby) Here moron- you take it!
      (Jeff gets between them)
(Jeff) Calm down-he’s your brother! Now calm down!
 (Steve) Boy
     (Walks over to Franks’ area too- forgetting his gloves behind him)
(CONT)-calm down!
      (Bobby Spies the opportunity and secretly lifts Steve’s gloves- sheepishly hiding them behind himself!)
(Frank) Calm down huh?
     (Glances back to where Steve’s’ gloves were laid down last)
(CONT.) Guess who just lifted your gloves?
     (Steve turns and glares at Bobby who is hiding the gloves)
(Bobby) Don’t be looking at me-I just found these!
(Steve) Let me see them!
(Bobby) They’re mine now!
      (As he turns to keep them from his view)
(CONT.) I found them!
 (Steve) I left them over there-you’ve got them!
         (Then Steve grabs a hold of one and they play tug of war with them!)
(Steve) Give them to me!
 (Bobby) They’re mine now!
 (Steve) You’re a bum!
(Bobby) You’re a liar! (Steve turns to Frank)
 (Steve) Now he’s calling me a liar!?
(Frank) Mama teach you to steal Bobby?
       (Frank now tries to break up the fight by going between them both)
(Bobby) But out Frank! I need gloves! I found them -some brother you are!
 (Jeff) Bunch of assholes fighting over gloves! I tried to give you one of mine free of charge! Let’s go guys they’re assholes!
      (Motions for them to leave the scene)
(Bobby) I found the gloves and they’re mine!
(Steve) You was born in the brain-free zone!
(Jeff) He’s a no brainer! Let’s go!
(Joe) He needs them -let him have them!
(Steve) My only pair of gloves and “you” want to give them away!
     (The two gloves rip apart sending them both to the floor. Directors note: glove could be ripped already to aid in it being separated at this stage of the scene)
 (Steve) Now you’ve done it! That’s it!
(Jeff) This isn’t cool!
 (Frank) Now calm down- he’s my brother!
 (Steve) (Mimics him) Now calm down huh? Cuz he’s your brother? Like you done? You calm down or you’ll be next!
      (They roll around on the stage faking fighting with someone offstage making sound effects like a frying pan clanging for effect! Steve had knocked him out then quit. Bobby lays motionless on the stage floor)
(Frank) Well... that was my brother and don’t you threaten me!
(Steve) He had it coming! But now I have no gloves!
(Jeff) He got what he deserves! You don’t take a mans gloves!
(Joe) Yah an ass whipping!
(Steve) Especially since he ripped my gloves!
 (Jeff) And good old Frank defends him!
(Joe) Ah -huh!
 (Steve) Yep!
(Joe) You said it!
(Frank) He made a mistake -I admit it! …O. K.?
(Steve) Did he ever!
(Frank) I will have a talk with him later! It wasn’t right no!
(Jeff) See yah -wouldn’t want to be yah! Let’s go!
(Steve) Have a talk with him or I’ll have a talk with you next!
(Frank) Oh you think so huh? I aint afraid of you! Just move on!
     (Frank kind of glares at them)
(Steve) You gonna talk with him? I need new gloves now!
(Frank) I said it and I will do it!
(Steve) You owe me now Frank!
 (Frank) I’ll do right by you! You know this just happened!
(Steve) Do right or I will know to do right by my pride!
 (Jeff) You know those two stick together like mud!
(Steve) He owes me new gloves and an apology!
(Frank) Just leave-haven’t you caused enough harm? My word is good!
 (Steve) It better be! Your word better be good!
(Frank) Or what? I aint afraid of you- just leave while I take care of my brother! Or I will start up on you next and that won’t be pretty!
(Steve) Alright Frank, I will hold you to your word! Just remember!
      (As the so-called friends walk off stage acting as in fear of retaliation the curtain falls)
End of Act One


"The Pipe Dream" Cast & Synopsis:

A comical farce that could never be!!!!
Just like Lauel and Hardy of the twentieth century!

This is a comical farce that can never be!!
.jpgfile out -click on the text hyperlink instead!
Just like Laurel and Hardy of the twentieth century!

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