Setting: Interior of an older house, pictures line the wall in a haphazardly way, unevenly spaced as
well as crooked. The kitchen is bare, with minimal cupboards and counter space and dishes on the counter as well. The kitchen
sink is overflowing with dirty dishes right to the top. A couple of fishing poles hang from the walls, as well as a prize
fish. A tackle box lays open on the kitchen table with various lures scattered about. One fishing pole is leaning against
the kitchen table or chair as well as a cane. An older phone lays on an end table, complete with an older dialer. Time: Early
afternoon-–the present.
At Rise: Walter Sr. is sitting at the kitchen table rummaging through his tackle box. He is wearing
a fishing hat that has lures attached to it as well as a fishing vest, and older type suspenders. He wears a hearing aide
as well; his cane rests against the table.
WALTER SR:
Damn...fishing hooks I needed some!
(Slips his hand in the tackle box)
Ouch! Those hooks weren’t supposed to be there! That little runt of a grandson got into it, I can tell.
(Pulls his hand out with a lure hanging from it. Then sucks on his finger as
“though” he is bleeding)
Frank is gonna think I’m late for sure!
(HE walks to the phone and dials the phone in a mock phone call) That hook
got my dialing finger too...Ouch! That damn little runt!
(Shakes his hand out of pain)
Yeah Frank, can you pick up some more hooks and bait? It’s my birthday-- yah know! Yep! We’ll have good luck
today!
(Snickers)
Oh--I’d rather have fish than a lousy birthday cake! I’ll sneak out—I don’t even have to think
about it! It’s my day and I’m going fishing!
(Family Knocking at the door at this moment which he is oblivious to)
Well, I’ll have you know I catch “all” the keepers--“I’m” a keeper! No throwbacks
for me!
(Snickers some more-oblivious to the knocking at the door-hard of hearing)
WALTER JR off-stage:
Come on dad–open up it’s your birthday!
WALTER SR:
Huh? (Pause)Yeah... I thought I heard something. Anyways, the fish always come to my pole and not yours!
(Snickers and they knock some more)
WALTER JR off-stage:
I hope the old man is alright!
WANDA off-stage:
Are you kidding me, he still does calisthenics!
WALTER JR off-stage:
Come on, open up!
WALTER SR:
(Pause)
Yeah, it must be the neighbors making a racket! They’ve been doing construction too!
(The knock get’s louder and he turns to see his family barging right in, as Wanda is carrying a birthday cake
completely lit! It is overstuffed with 99 candles-–or as many as possible! Entrance of Walter Jr., Wanda, and Mercury
Weasel. Walter Sr’s mouth just about drops-as they go into happy birthday while he is still on the phone)
Frank...Frank ...I think I’ve just been had! I’ve never seen so many candles! So many!
(HE turns apprehensively--as if he’s been caught)
(WHOLE FAMILY)
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
WALTER SR:
Oh, now just stop, now I know I’m not that old!
WANDA:
Move the tackle box Walt!
WALTER SR:
Hey--leave the tackle box alone, disobedient kids!
(Jr. whisks the tackle box to the floor)
WALTER SR CONT:
I’m going fishing today on “my” birthday, it’s my choice—my decision!
WALTER JR:
Happy birthday to you and many more!
(HE sings this line and then SHE sets the cake on the table)
WANDA:
Not to many more...I don’t think!
WALTER SR:
My day Frank... my day! You’ve got to come over and that’ll put a stop to this birthday fiasco!
WALTER JR:
Ninety–nine is as far as his odometer will take him!
WALTER SR:
Just wait until Frank gets here--then I’ll be fishing!
(HE laughs and hangs up the phone)
Ninety-Fine? What are you saying? I am just fine--thank you!
WALTER JR:
Ninety-nine not ninety-fine!
WALTER SR:
I am just fine, but I am ninety-nine years old today! Not ninety-but ninety-nine!
WALTER JR:
We were knocking on the door! What took you?
WALTER SR:
What do you mean just barging in here like that--without even knocking? I was on the phone—thank you!
WALTER JR:
Well, dad, we “were” knocking!
WALTER SR:
Huh? What’s that you say? You were mocking?
WALTER JR:
Knocking dad! We were knocking for days-–for crying out loud!
(HE comes closer to holler in his ear)
WALTER SR:
What’s he saying Mercury? Mocking me for days?
(HE cocks his head in an effort to try to hear them as he turns to his grandson)
I was just leaving—-
WANDA:
Turn the hearing aide “on” dad! The hearing aide!
MERCURY:
The hearing aide—-“Grandpa!” Daddy was knocking!
WALTER SR:
Huh? Slow down--you young kids talk... “to fast!”
WANDA:
Your hearing aide Dad! Turn on your hearing aide!
(Comes closer to him-- raising her voice with a very pronounced annunciation, talking very
slowly)
WALTER SR:
I don’t need any aide with hearing! You have to slow down, it’s just like you kids to talk so fast!
You can’t tell me what I hear; only I know what I hear! I know and not you!
WALTER JR:
Well, if “I” said it, then “I” know what “you” heard me to say-- now don’t
I? That’s “because” I said it and not you!
WALTER SR:
Now don’t go putting words into “my” mouth! I know what “you” said son, you were
mocking...mocking me for days!
(Pause, as his son just shakes his head)
Mocking? I won’t put up with that, son!
WALTER JR:
Well, let’s hope not, that’s if I was mocking! I know what “I” said too! Knocking... we
were knocking!
(HE raises his voice and speaks slowly a rather pronounced annunciation)
WANDA:
You need to blow out the candles dad! The candles!
WALTER JR:
The hearing aide dad!
(HE comes closer)
WALTER SR:
Well, let me turn the hearing aide on!
(Clears his voice)
You should have “told me” to turn it on earlier!
(He fidgets with it)
WALTER JR:
I knew it...I just knew it!
WANDA:
We’ve been telling you! Now can you hear us?
WALTER JR:
You’re hard of hearing, you’re “just deaf!”
WALTER SR:
See, now you’re mocking me! Now you know-- that’s “my” tackle box too! You just come barging
in the place—-
WALTER JR:
Oh now dad... calm down—-
WALTER SR:
Just like you “own” the place!
WALTER JR:
Well, I’m “your son” for crying out loud! I grew up here too!
MERCURY:
You didn’t even answer, Grandpa!
WALTER SR:
Whose side you on, Mercury?
WANDA:
We wanted to surprise you Dad!
WALTER JR:
Surprise!
MERCURY:
Surprise Grandpa!
WANDA:
Surprise ...happy birthday!
(Pause)
(WHOLE FAMILY)
Surprise...happy birthday to you-
WALTER SR:
Oh, just stop it—-
(WHOLE FAMILY)
Happy birthday to you!
WALTER SR:
I’m going fishing...me and Frank!
(WHOLE FAMILY)
Happy birthday to you...happy birthday to you--
WALTER SR:
But the fish are...tell him Mercury!
MERCURY:
Happy birthday, Grandpa!
(WHOLE FAMILY)
Happy birthday!
MERCURY:
Happy birthday, Grandpa!
WALTER SR:
Oh, let’s go fishing; I’d rather have fish than cake!
WANDA: There’s no fish that are “gonna bite” in the “afternoon!”
WALTER JR:
She’s right dad!
WALTER SR:
It’s not “that late!”
WALTER JR:
It’s 1 PM dad!
WALTER SR:
I must have slept in!
(Looks at his watch and taps it)
Goodness--that cake is gonna experience melt-down!
WANDA:
Well, you’re ninety-nine years old Dad! I crammed a lot of candles into that cake!
WALTER SR:
Wanda Weasel...Wanda–Wanda–Wanda! You’re so silly, I can’t believe it!
WANDA:
Now don’t you fret none! Wanda knows!
WALTER SR:
Machine-gun Kelley couldn’t have put more holes in that cake! It’s gonna “fall apart,” right
when you take the candles out--mark my words Wanda!
WANDA:
Dad, you just let me worry about that! Now blow the candles out, Dad!
WALTER SR:
Huh? To many candles Wanda--to many! Your mother wouldn’t believe it either--not for a second!
WANDA:
Now...now blow the candles “out”, before it melts into the cake!
WALTER SR:
What’s she saying Mercury? “Slow down”... you talk to fast! This generation “talks to fast!”
MERCURY:
Listen Grandpa...listen slowly then, Grandpa!
WALTER SR:
What’s that Mercury?
WANDA:
Listen slowly? Mercury! I’m not a young kid dad! Turn your hearing
aide up!
(Mercury snickers)
WALTER JR:
It’s your hearing aide dad! Turn up the hearing aide!
WANDA:
Turn up the hearing aide!
(SHE hollers at him right in his ear)
WALTER SR:
Well, you don’t have to shout, Wanda, I ‘m “right here!” I have been here for almost a “hundred
years” for crying out loud!
(HE fidgets with the hearing aide)
WANDA:
Blow out the candles ...make a wish and blow them out!
(SHE hollers at him)
MERCURY:
Will the candles burn the house down, Grandpa?
WALTER SR:
Why I say the same thing Mercury! Smart grandson...I have to admit it!
WANDA:
It’s not going to burn the house down! But the wax is gonna get all over the cake, Dad!
WALTER SR:
All those candles...lordy-lordy-lordy!
WALTER JR:
Blow the candles out!
(HE annunciates loud and slow)
MERCURY:
Make a wish Grandpa! Make a wish!
WALTER SR:
Mercury is smarter than all of you!
WANDA:
He’s got to make a wish--first Walt!
WALTER JR:
Make a wish Grandpa!
WALTER SR:
That’s for kids... you all know that! Kids!
WANDA:
Come on; even people “your age” wish for something!
WALTER SR:
I “wish” that you hadn’t put “so” many candles in the cake! You’re going to
get candle wax all over my table! Melt-down, the brain has melt-down! Wanda Weasel, Wanda...Wanda...Wanda!
WALTER JR:
Come on, blow them out, “senior,” we’ll dish out the cake!
WALTER SR:
The fire alarm will go off soon! See how they are Mercury? Wait until you get “my” age! All of a sudden
“I’m senior!” I am the father!
(HE glances at the alarm)
WALTER JR:
Give him time Wanda; he’s having a “senior” moment!
WANDA:
Senior moment... oh senior citizens do!
(Chuckles)
MERCURY:
I’ll help Grandpa...let me help!
WALTER SR:
Very well...I wish for fish!
(HE and Mercury blow out all the candles. Afterwards Wanda begins taking the candles out
and places a gift wrapped Blackberry cell phone onto the table)
MERCURY:
You’re not supposed to say the wish out loud, Grandpa, isn’t that right dad?
TO BE CONTINUED BY YOU --"THE PRODUCER!"
